April, 14th, 2009

Hi all,
This was written by a fellow breast cancer sister. She does not want her name used and I understand that. I was given permission to post in on my blog. It is really moving.



Family. And friends. And clients. And co-workers. And strangers on the street:

I know that this has been hard on you. I know it has been a long, drawn out and scary ordeal. You have been utterly amazing in all that you have accomplished during this time. I appreciate you, love you and admire your strength as we have struggled with this whole Cancer Thing. You've been wonderfully supportive, encouraging, loving and attentive. I can't complain one bit about your treatment of me or this nightmare. You've been truly extraordinary. Up until now.

Because, you see, it isn't over.

I'd like a break every bit as much as you would. Truly I would. I'm pretty fed up with being a lump of mush too. I'm not laying here because I'm lazy. I'm not laying here because I got used to being spoiled during the five previous chemo crashes this family has had to endure. I'm not laying here because I just don't want to deal with the world, the next steps, or my responsibilities around here.

I am laying here because I am FOUR FARQUIN DAYS OUT OF MY LAST DOSE DENSE TC TREATMENT!

What in all the holy names you can dream up makes you think that I can just pop myself out of bed and back into my life like nothing ever happened? Were you not here for the other five? Do you somehow think that last infusion was faked? That instead of taking a week to get through it before I get slammed again, I should somehow just be able to skip this week just because I'm suddenly NOT going to get slammed with it again next week?

What are you going to do when you realize that rads twice a day for six weeks is going to severely limit my available "working" hours? What if it makes me tired too? How are you going to cope with the next surgeries? How long are you going to allow me to adjust to instant menopause? AI's? Since it's "over" I should be right back on top of my game, huh?

Newsflash, people! It's NOT over.

A party is not in order. Houseguests are not in order. Dinner and dancing is not in order. Overnight trips to the mountains are not in order. Family reunion is not in order. Resuming my activities as full time mom, career woman and back up support for YOUR career are not in order.

I'm not in any kind of shape to chat on your phone for hours about what you've been through while I was in the hole. I'm utterly unprepared for all the pent up emotion you felt the need to suppress while you were worried about me. (I'm glad you feel you can stop worrying now, but to tell you the truth, I'm still a little nervous about a few things.)

So, the paperwork I can't see is NOT going to get filled out this week. The finances were caught up before I crashed, like always, but am I the only one who can pick up the phone and call the accountant? Oh, and Little Monkey's birthday party (in June) is NOT going to be planned before May. And just to ruin your day a little more, no, my hair is not growing back yet and believe it or not, dinner is NOT going to be waiting on the table tonite either.

And it is TOTALLY OUT OF ORDER for you to expect any of these these things from me. In fact, NOTHING is in order right now because we have a LONG way to go before I can even BEGIN to reclaim my life. Hell yes, I miss being a part of my own life. But right now I have a FEW things to do in order to HANG ONTO THAT LIFE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

So, while I appreciate the dickens out of all the "positive" encouragement, the high fives that we're done with chemo and that it does, indeed, appear that it won't kill me, if this "get on with it" nonsense doesn't stop pretty fast, there WILL be a killing going on.

JUST AS SOON AS I COME OUT OF THIS CRASH AND HAVE THE STRENGTH TO STRANGLE EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!
End of her story.....


What Laura has to add...

( In the Life of a Breast Cancer Patient)

Breast Cancer treatment lasts between 6 months to 2 years. It is a very long treatment and most of those ladies I have met that have the longer treatments... have it very, very hard. Everyone in their lives want it just to be over... and they want life to go back to the old normal. I understand that too. But the fact is. Others may be happy we are "cured"., but we will always live with the fact, the cancer can come back at any time through out our lifetime... with no warning.
I understand this dear ladies writings.
God Bless all cancer patients.
I have been in treatment since June..2008. If I am lucky... I will finish it all by December 2009. So, if I am lucky.. I get to be the woman who has 1 1/2 years of treatment rather than 2 yrs. But we'll see.

Gods Love,
Laura